MaskMePretty

i dare you

2012-02-11T11:21:00.000-08:00

You've been on my mind, I grow fonder every day
Lose myself in time just thinking of your face
God only knows why it's taken me so long to let my doubts go
You're the only one that I want

I don't know why I'm scared, I've been here before
Every feeling, every word, I've imagined it all
You'll never know if you never try
To forget your past and simply be mine

I dare you to let me be your, your one and only
Promise I'm worthy to hold in your arms
So come on and give me a chance
To prove I am the one who can walk that mile
Until the end starts

If I've been on your mind, you hang on every word I say
Lose yourself in time at the mention of my name
Will I ever know how it feels to hold you close
And have you tell me whichever road I choose you'll go

I don't know why I'm scared 'cause I've been here before
Every feeling, every word, I've imagined it all
You'll never know if you never try
To forget your past and simply be mine

I dare you to let me be your, your one and only
Promise I'm worthy to hold in your arms
So come on and give me a chance
To prove I am the one who can walk that mile
Until the end starts

I know it ain't easy giving up your heart
I know it ain't easy giving up your heart

Nobody's perfect
(I know it ain't easy giving up your heart)
Trust me, I've learned it

Nobody's perfect
(I know it ain't easy giving up your heart)
Trust me, I've learned it

So I dare you to let me be your, your one and only
I promise I'm worthy to hold in your arms
So come on and give me a chance
To prove I am the one who can walk that mile
Until the end starts

Come on and give me a chance
To prove I am the one who can walk that mile
Until the end starts

Bitterness

2012-02-11T10:46:00.000-08:00

I came across someone. Someone i spent my life looking forward to meet. Someone I've dreamt of. He didn't have a face then. But just the feeling of him being around, his presence, his vibes. Just that completed me.
I've never met him. Nor have i heard his voice. But i feel that complete feeling when he's around.
unfortunately, I have to shut my mouth, seal off my heart and put on a friendly smile.
Being just a no body means something. It means your not needed, wanted nor are you thought of unless there is nothing else to do.

Bali, Bali was supposed to be My get away. My chance to have serenity. And i chose to share it with someone. Someone who meant a lot to me. She however didn't see that. She didn't know how much I wanted that time. If I could I'd have opted to go alone. just for the Peace. Bali. i wanted to have my honeymoon in Bali. Now, she's taken that chance of a life time from me.

Why? Ive asked God why so many times. And Ive thought of every possible reason why. Karma? I've don't nothing of the sort to anyone. because i took my best friends for granted? maybe so. but Ive already lost them.

i don't want to get into it again. that's far enough.

i have to let go. let go of it all. Start over. on my own. and pick no one up along the way.
Solo.
from now, till the end.

Face Down In The Rain

2011-11-30T23:30:00.000-08:00

it's my off day today. my job kinda sucks now, i spend everyday at work doing nothing. at all. absolutely nothing. for 8-9 hours, I'm just standing in the lobby. doing nothing. it's fucked up. Very very fucked up.

Yesterday i was so bored i started to write. to no one. just pen my feelings on the "to do list' pad. it turned out to be a letter to someone.. anyone. i think i left it in my apron pocket though.. haha! oops...

been feeling blue for the past few days.. ever since Kiat's birthday actually. seeing him and Celia like that. talking to them about stuff made me feel really crappy about myself. like i don't deserve a guy who treats me like he treats her. i miss having fights and stuff because it still means that there is something there. right now all i have is mark who isn't there a lot of the time and when he is, he doesn't give two hoots about me or my feelings or anything. I've given up on love. but, i still hope sometimes. i wish there was a guy who could accept me for me and Letisha and my family. and his family wouldn't give me such a hard time. that's important too you know.. family is a big part or relationships.

I've been listening to It Will Rain -Bruno Mars on the loop since three days ago. makes me wish id find someone like that some day. i know its a song and its meant to make people feel like crap about their lives but seriously, i cant help it...

All my life I've been looking for true love. now, I've given up. and it hurts. it really hurts to know that I'm never gonna find someone who truly loves me anymore. there is no more hope. who could love me? after everything I've done. all the guys I've been with. after having a kid. who would want this? sometimes i really feel like killing myself. but then i think of her.. and i cant.. i wanna see her grow up. although it hurts so so bad. i know I'm a terrible mother. and daughter and sister. i try to be a good friend... to people who are worth it now..

how the hell did i become like this? i used to be such good girl. you know those kids you see who are like really shy and don't talk to people much but always smile? i was one of those..
what happened to me?

UnMasked

2011-10-07T01:09:00.001-07:00

wow! its been so long! So, lets update.

i had a baby! her name is Letisha Davee Weerasekera.

those were her birth announcements. :)
She is my world now. I've stopped clubbing, drinking has stooped to a minimal... i haven't gonna for a movie for the longest time. it feels good but i miss it. sometimes. She's 7 months on the 10th.

she's beautiful.

her father is a gone case who can just die for all i care. he's never met her and if he ever does i think that will be the last day he lives, knowing my dad. (I'm happy about that btw) i used to wanna see him suffer. do things to hurt him and his family. watch him cry and beg me to stop. i still do actually but i guess there's no point in being evil. God will do what's meant to be done. karma does exist. David, i hope your dick breaks the next time you try to stick it in a girl and i hope you have a slow and painful death. and i hope all the people who think your a good/nice/sweet person come to know about all the evil you've done and see you for the piece of shit that you really are.

i had so much to update on but that just spoilt my mood. oh well...

i just celebrated my 22nd birthday recently and i had fun. thanks to Kiat, Donna and Celia.
I've kinda lost touch with the other friends i had. Sometimes i think that's a good thing.
drama and i don't get along well.

there are super a lot more photos but I'm too lazy. Kiat isn't in the picture though :(

you know, I've been thinking and I've come to realise that if i never left Kavi, my life would be so different. if only i had just kept my promise back then. i know it's been so so super long but i cant help but still think about him and all the what ifs and miss him. i seriously miss him.

but being me, i cant do something stupid and try to get him back cuz that will just mess up both our lives. maybe not mine but his...
how i wish things were different. if only, right Tasha.

i should be happy with what i have now. a beautiful daughter, a totally awesome family and my fabulous friends. a job, a home, food, skye boy.. i have alot. and i should be happy.

Right?

:) i am.

the baby's asleep. and i should rest before she wakes up. hehe..

nap time! :)

2011-03-01T20:15:00.000-08:00

Three weeks to go! Awesome!

Still got boxes of stuff in my room that i have no idea where to keep.
Still haven't gotten the cot installed.
Still haven't washed any clothes or toys.
Still haven't packed my bag.
Still not don't clearing the room.
Still haven't bought everything.
Still haven't saved enough money.

what if i turn out to be a horrible mother?

the only consolation is that i can't possibly be worst that her father.

2011-02-26T20:26:00.000-08:00

i wanna hold your hand again.
i wanna lean back when you put your arm out on my chair.
i wanna put my hand on your leg and leave it there.
i want you to play with my hair.
i want you to put your arms around me.
i want you to kiss me when we meet and before you leave.

i thought i heard you call me baby gerl like you used to.
i guess i heard wrong.

But it's my fault.
It's my fault.
It's my fault we can't be one again.
It's my fault.
it's my fault.

Although i know your the only one who could love her like she was yours.
I can't do that to you.

It's My Fault.

2011-02-16T21:21:00.000-08:00

Home today. two days off. i think I've played my days off pretty smart lately. It's easier now cuz my boss isn't such a toot... he's super nice and he's so good at what he does. RESPECT!

my goodness! i can't believe how much my body has changed.. it's so sad!
i know I'll shrink after i deliver but I'm scared my boobs wont go back to normal... i miss my original size!! now I'm like two times bigger and way way heavier.. and i feel so uncomfortable!
And the stretch marks! OH MY GOODNESS!!!!
most pregnant people are afraid of getting stretch marks on their tummies and stuff.. but mine?? i didn't even have the chance to try to prevent them! it's so unfair!!!
my body was so nice before... Although at that time i thought i was big size and all, now i realise that i was kinda hot... now I'm just a fat pregnant woman with majorly major ugly stretch marks on her boobs! FML!!!
i can say goodbye to ever wearing a bikini again in my life... and 90% of my old tops will have to go i guess cuz they are all kinda low... eh, i used to have a hot upper body ok?

Anyway, on a different note,
i think I've found the perfect name... but i haven't told anyone yet.
It means Joy.
It's not very common.
and it goes well with the rest of the name.
AWESOME!!!
i haven't decided on the spelling yet though..

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

four days we've been texting continuously. it feels so different. i can feel that the love is gone.. Although i wish it wasn't, i think it is...
i used to remember our first kiss and be able to feel how much you must have loved me. but now, i think about it and i remember our first kiss and i think about the way i was feeling.. but i cant feel you anymore...

even if you didn't love me, i still could love you enough for the both of us. but whats the point when our families haven't changed?
i have. because now i know how much you really mean to me. and i know how much a guy like you is worth. too bad i was stupid and didn't grasp it when it wasn't too late. i didn't hold on long enough. i didn't love you hard enough. now i do. but it's no use so i should just put it away.. far far away.

that photo of all of us, it means so much to me now. remembering the way things used to be. looking at all our smiles and what we felt behind the smiles, it was genuine happiness.. it's all gone now, but i cant help but think about it and wish things could have stayed the same.

i know in my heart that I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. i know in my heart that you are the only one who could love her like she was yours.
But i also know that it's impossible for us.

2011-02-15T05:30:00.000-08:00

- i keep imagining what it would be like to lose everyone one by one. I don't think my heart can take it.

2011-01-20T20:49:00.000-08:00

listening to songs i used to.
brings me back.
way back.
to the time i was a good girl.
i didn't smoke, drink, i didn't use bad language, i didn't fight, argue or rebel.

how i wish i was smarter back then.
how i wish i never changed.

i was in love though.
with the Right man.
he was Good for me.
but i turned him away for something i thought would be better.

Although,..
never mind.

i miss him.
i wish i never let go.

Makes me wonder,
would my life be so much different if i never left him?
the path i traveled might have been
but where would i be today?

Somehow, something tells me, it wouldn't be much different.
i may be married
i may have had a kid a couple of years ago,
i may be living with him.
Even though all this may have happened with the consent of my parents,
i may not be happy.

Maybe all this is just nonsense.

So what if I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life?
I have my family and I'll have my daughter.
even if my friends decide I'm too much trouble and start to leave one by one, I'll be okay.
Sad but still, okay.

Is it possible to be 'just friends' with someone you loved for more than 6 years?
you shared everything with that person and you went through almost everything with that person.
and now, it's all gone.
But to be just friends?

it's so difficult for me.
not to call you baby, not to tell you i miss you,
not to say i love you from the bottom of my heart.
i don't know how you feel and i used to be able to just ask. but now, i can't.

I'm happy that we can still talk...
but things are so different now, i don't know what to think.

we're just friends.

i miss the talks we used to have...
you'd be the only one who'd understand..
I don't know why i fell in love with you.
but i just did....

and i miss it now.
i miss you now.

472644
<3

Never gonna be enough

2010-11-12T03:25:00.000-08:00

I can't help it. Since new years I've been so down about my life. Feeling sorry for myself and all that nonsense. I'm so glad I'm getting over it. I don't know what it is that woke me up but it happened yesterday. I just realized that there is no point. I still have to go on living day to day and get over it all.

Looking at her sleep is the thing that makes me wonder. Will I be able to provide for her. As her mom and dad. She's only got me. No one else. I have to be damn stable for her right. But I can't even take care of myself. I don't know what the heck I'm gonna do to pull through. I just have to.

Been looking for love all my life. Been through 10 guys. Hah! And I'm 22?
Such a slut.
Well, I have given up. Officially, I have given up. I see no hope anymore. Especially now that I'm a 1+1.
No one will be able to love her like her own father.
Speaking of whom, I still wish was shot in the leg then the balls then the stomach then the chest then the shoulder then his neck and finally just left there to die slowly.
:)

I'm supposed to sleep now so I shall. Thank god for blogger on the Iphone now! Hurray!!!! :D goodmorning/goodnight!

2010-11-02T07:23:00.000-07:00

I just can't believe you're gone
Still waitin' for mornin' to come
When I see if the sun will rise
In the way that you're by my side

When we had so much in store
Tell me what is it I'm reaching for
When we're through building memories
I'll hold yesterday in my heart, in my heart

They can take tomorrow and the plans we made
They can take the music that we'll never play
All the broken dreams, take everything
Just take it away but they can never have yesterday

They can take the future that we'll never know
They can take the places that we said we will go
All the broken dreams take everything
Just take it away but they can never have yesterday

You always choose to stay
I should be thankful for everyday
Heaven knows what the future holds
Or least where the story goes
But I never believed until now

I know I'll see you again, I'm sure
No, it's not selfish to ask for more
One more night, one more day
One more smile on your face
But they can't take yesterday

They can take tomorrow and the plans we made
They can take the music that we'll never play
All the broken dreams, take everything
Just take it away but they can never have yesterday

They can take the future that we'll never know
They can take the places that we said we will go
All the broken dreams take everything
Just take it away but they can never have yesterday

I thought our days would last forever
But it wasn't our destiny
'Cause in my mind we had so much time
But I was so wrong

No, I can, believe me
I can still find the strength in the moments we made
I'm lookin' back on yesterday

They can take tomorrow and the plans we made
They can take the music that we'll never play
All the broken dreams, take everything
Just take it away but they can never have yesterday

They can take the future that we'll never know
They can take the places that we said we will go
All the broken dreams take everything
Just take it away but they can never have yesterday

All the broken dreams take everything
But they can never have yesterday

2010-11-01T05:32:00.000-07:00

you are my life. Don't you know that? how the hell am i gonna love some other fellow when your the only one i could ever love? I loved you from the moment i saw you. i remember it. It was so wrong but i knew that you were the one. and i had to keep it inside for 2 years. and then you kissed me. I will never forget that kiss. i felt the walls come down and it was just you and me. I remember it so clearly. and how we worked on dealing with everything together. and we did for 3 years 1 month and 3 days. The day we broke up, I thought nothing of it because no matter what i know that our love was strong enough to break through anything. But now, I'm dyeing.

your all that matters to me. Not even this baby matters as much as you do. If you told me to do anything, i'd do it for you. Anything but leave. I can't leave. I can't forget. I can't.

This time it's all you. That's what hurts the most. It's all you saying everything.

you said Love you... but then you took it back. And when i asked you to, you couldn't tell me that you don't love me anymore.

I just wanted to hear you call me like you used to.. just say chuchu girl.. but you said you can't. Why can't. If you don't love me you can just say it. I don't love you anymore Tasha. but you cant? you cant cuz you don't want to or because.. what? i don't get it.

Is it possible to forget?

Forget everything we had...

look at you and feel nothing.

i can't. it's just not possible.

You are my everything.

I'd die for you.

I'd kill for you.

baby how could you?

abandon me like this....?

doesn't it hurt you that your killing me inside?

doesn't it hurt you to know that i cry every time i think about loosing you?

it hurts so bad you know...

and i cannot stop crying.

You know whats the funny part?

I can't remember the fights.

i only remember the good times...

your smile..

holding your hand

lying on your shoulder

hugging you

your arms around me.

every time i see Celia and Najib i just turn away.

i can't help but wish you were there too.. holding me and telling me you love me.

I feel so stupid for taking you so for granted.. like you'd always be there to put your arms around me and I'll always be able to hear you tell me you love me. I'll always be able to look into your eyes and see that i was everything to you too. i felt to complete baby...

I miss calling you baby. i miss you calling me baby.

Do you call her that now? i can't help but feel sick every time i think about that. you holding some other girl telling her that you love her and looking into her eyes and telling her about your day.

i wanna know about your day.i wanna massage your shoulders when you book out. i wanna be the one who takes care of you. i wanna hug you to sleep every night.

remember the plan to buy a house with Najib and Celia and live together?

i wanna do that. and have our game room and the baby's room...

we almost had a child together ma. Doesn't that count for anything?

She died.. shouldn't that keep us together and make us stronger?

our baby died baby..

and i want her. not this one.

this one is just a replacement.

i wont love it as much but still, i have to love it a little..

mark aneh... please don't let me die...

Please come back...

i love you baby

2010-08-29T12:11:00.000-07:00

Ever felt so alone that no matter where you turn, it's just empty?
the people who are supposed to be your Best Friends start treating you different and then you realise they dont really care. the people you live with look at you funny when you walk in the door. The friends you truly care about turn their backs because of your mistakes. and the person that you Truly Love has walked away from you and isnt looking back to see if your alright. time is running out to get your life on the right track. but you just dont know what to do or where to even start. you wanna just stop talking to everybody. stop caring. but it hurts too much. and all you can think about is one person. but you know that person doesnt care anymore.
Its alright. He's still in your heart. Have faith.

2010-06-09T12:49:00.000-07:00

i am not the person i used to be and i am not going back to that. i am a better person. no one will make me think otherwise. my past Will not ruin my future. if you wanna live in the past please do me a favour and leave. i love you but i cant take you treating me like a second hand piece of garbage. if your friends are so important to you then why don't you go marry his sister? she seems to be oh so fucking innocent. claims to be a virgin. go believe her. go believe them.

i am a nice person. i am a friendly person. i am sweet and caring and loving and generous and understanding person. everything you don't see in me because you choose to see the negative. good for you.

no more. no more males. no more beings with a penis. no more broken hearts.

if your male, if you have a dick, please fuck off.

yes, i am high right now. i just puked my guts out in fact. i still love you. but i'm not saying sorry this time. no no no no no. i am not going to say I'm sorry. because i am not. and i will stay strong. i will not Ive in to my heart. for all care, my heart could sop beating right now.
you'd be happier wouldn't you???????

2010-05-09T08:46:00.000-07:00

so it's like I'm not capable of being up to your standard? or I'm just not interested?
thing is, how the hell do you treat people well when you are treated differently? how do you be happy when the environment is so cocked up?

i love this. but sometimes i just feel that i cant do it anymore. people think I'm not able to learn as fast or not capable of doing the complicated things. fuck them. i can do what i say i can do. and i can't do nothing.

I'm really getting tired of this. and that stupid potato is at fault.
ever since he came, everything has been fucked up. and i hate him. I'm just waiting till things get better. i know i have to work hard. put my own problems aside and deal with it. push it till i die even. I'll do it. because i have something to prove to those shit heads.

on a different note, ever feel like your being lied to and not be able to do anything about it?
ever felt like your being cheated on and stabbed in the back and not be able to do anything at all?

2010-05-01T13:03:00.000-07:00

it's been a while.
I've been occupied with work and a buy. as usual. yes, we all know Tasha can't live without some boy drama.

oh well,

but this time, i feel it.
and it hurts.
and it feels weird.
i kinda know this wont last. but I'm hoping something will spark and he'll see me for who i am.

i need to change my attitude towards work too. i love my job. but I've been letting other things get to me. I'm happy where i am. yes, the pay sucks and the hours are freaking crazy. but this is the place i learned everything i know. and i love working there. so I'll just wait till things get better.

tonight is another screw up. it's nights like these that make me miss the single life. even though i am technically single, I'm still dating someone now. and i treat him like my boyfriend but i know that's one sided.
i cant stand how conservative he is. and i cant stand how he's not affectionate in public at all.
you all who know me know that I'd compromise anything and do anything for the guy i love. and in this case everyone one sees it but him. fascinating isn't it?

how could i be so blind to love? and why the hell do i keep doing it over and over again?
and even now that i feel something is wrong, i am not doing anything about it.
i love him. but i hate the way he talks to me and treats me.

urgh, i give up.
it's gonna be about me.

no more all about the boy and giving him everything he wants and getting negativity in the end.
goodnight.

2010-04-16T11:42:00.000-07:00

i may not be pretty, i may not be intelligent, i may not be the perfect girlfriend. there may be something missing. you may not feel the same way about me like you felt about her. i still love you. I'll still love you. but if you say let go, i will.

the time i spend with you means so much to you. i may not behave like it and i may do stupid things and show up late or suddenly leave but every second i spend with you is precious.
i don't know how, but you made me love you.

thank you. thank you for everything.
thank you for coming into my life.

2010-04-04T07:09:00.000-07:00

I'm making this serious. And so is he.
We'll take things slow. but it will get somewhere.

Dark clouds are over head. i need to get away from all this.
i ran my mouth and just an hour later, the bad news came true.
and today of all days....

i miss going to church.
maybe if i was a better christian this would not have happened.
maybe if i prayed more often

just my luck.

2010-03-27T11:07:00.000-07:00

I'm so sick and tired of this feeling. this feeling of doubt. this feeling of insecurity. this, i don't know whats gonna happen feeling. It's fucked up.

i want things to be serious. like it was with Maniraj and Mark. I'm not including Sathish in this because he was never real. I'm canceling him off my list of ex boyfriends. So, in actual fact, I've been a fool. to think I've been with many. I've been with two. and they were real. although it ended, the times spent together, they were genuine. there was real love.
all the others were bull.

and now there is Dav.
i think i love him. really this time. it feels like the feeling i had with the first two. that's why I'm being like this. only thing is, after all I've been through, it's gotten me to become small minded. it's compromised my judgement.
and i want this to stop. i want to fall in love. i wanna be swept off mu feet with no questions asked. but i feel that this is one sided. he doesn't treat me right. he's sweet to me. bu it's all a secret. and i hate that. i wanna be in a normal relationship for once. no need for sex no need for the physical stuff. just conversation, company and emotion. i want him to be honest with me. if he's dating anyone else, i wanna know. I'm open minded enough. i wont say anything. i wont even mind. it's his right to date. i can't say no. i don't own him. but i want him to be mine. then again why should i want so much. who do i think i am. i feel that I'm asking for too much?
after what happened the other day, I've been feeling so unworthy. unimportant. and i have this feeling, he'll leave soon. he's gonna be out of my life and I'll be left with this feeling of stupidity.
again.

but i want this to be real so bad.
i want him to love me. for real.
yes, i want him to treat me like his princess.
i miss that kind of love.

he's my everything.
if only he knew that. if only he knew me.
if only he knew everything i say i mean.

i feel so horrible now.

God i hate my life!

to you

2010-03-26T12:14:00.000-07:00

I don't tell anyone about the way you hold my hand
I don't tell anyone about the things that we have planned
I won't tell anybody
Won't tell anybody
They want to push me down
They want to see you fall

Won't tell anybody how you turn my world around
I won't tell anyone how your voice is my favourite sound
Won't tell anybody
Won't tell anybody
They want to see us fall
They want to see us fall

I don't need a parachute
Baby, if I've got you
Baby, if I've got you
I don't need a parachute
You're gonna catch me
You're gonna catch if I fall
Down, down, down

you mean the world to me and i haven't felt like this in ages. but you make me feel useless and stupid. and like i can never do anything right. you make me feel like I'm not good enough. but i know i can be. and i know i love you. i said it before and i say it again. i don't wanna lose you.
but i feel that your gone. i feel you were never really here. i feel that there was never really any chance of this becoming something real. but i wish it could be. baby you mean the world to me.
you probably get this a lot from girls. and I'm nothing compared to your ex and all the others i may not even know about. but i wanna mean something to you. you gave me the hope of love again.... and now, i don't know what to think. i screwed up. one night and i screwed up. big time.
i broke a promise to myself. and i upset you.

i wish there was a way i could make things better....

maybe i am just not good enough

2010-03-24T03:46:00.000-07:00

i don't wanna stay this way for much longer. i wanna go all out in this and be happy.all that's on my mind is you. and i want you to be mine. is that even possible?

2010-03-22T06:55:00.000-07:00

i love the smell of the air when it's going to rain. it's just so nice... i miss David. even though he just left today.... i miss him. so so much.

and the ironic part is, Mitran went to Thailand 2 months ago. and the day David leaves for Thailand, this guy comes back. Fantastic huh... and also, i thought he wasn't taking me seriously so i decided to move on. and now, he's asking me about David and all and i don't know what to say to him. why is my love life so fucked up??? love life, work, everything.

Fuck it. I'm not going to care anymore. it's gonna be about the money and the fun.

gosh i could stare at his picture the whole night. i miss his so so much. i hope he's okay. he should have reached Thailand by now. and checked into the hotel. he's supposed to come online by 2... so I'll wait for him here. I'm having this major chocolate craving. and some fool ate my kinder. fuck man.

omg i miss him i miss him i miss him!!!

i know we're not together but i feel like we are. i feel like he's actually serious. i don't know for sure if he is... but i love him. and i don't care what anyone says.
I wanna proclaim it to the world. I'm in love with David!

i feel like jumping around on my bed now.. haha!
I'm so tired. and my back hurts like hell... but I'm gonna wait for him. i need to sleep and rest cuz i need to wake up early tmr. but I'm going to wait up for him. because i miss him and i need to tell him i love him. and I'm a crazy girl. (:

2010-03-17T09:10:00.000-07:00

And no one knows why i'm into you
'cause you'll never know what it's like to walk in our shoes
And no one know the things we've been through
Can never measure up to half of what i put you through
That's why we'll break through

And i don't care what they say i'm gonna be with you
I'm gonna be with you i wanna be with you
And i don't care what they do i'm gonna be with you
I'm gonna be with you i'm gonna be with you

You are everythin' in my life see the joy you bring
And ain't no one i compare you to
And i know that you will never walk away from me no matter what
And that's why i plan to do the same thing for you
And i want you to know

And i don't care what they say i'm gonna be with you
I'm gonna be with you i wanna be with you
And i don't care what they do i'm gonna be with you
I'm gonna be with you i'm gonna be with you

I haven't cried over a guy for the longest time. and last night i cried for you.
i guess i really do love you. i don't know why. i don't even know you that well. but i love you. and i wanna make this work. i know I'm not perfect. I'll get my act together. i promise. and i don't mess with stuff like this.
i can't wait to see you tomorrow.
i love you!!!!!!!!!! :D

2010-03-15T08:36:00.000-07:00

i was wrong to react so quickly. yes, I've got a hot temper And i blow things up too fast in the wrong ways. I'm sorry And i do hope you'll forgive me. It wasn't about your reactions. and no,i wouldn't have reacted the same way but everyone is different and everyone deals with things their own way. you and i are very different. i loved you since the day we made up and i never stopped loving you. you'll always mean alot to me. that'll never change. Maybe this will be just one of those fights and we'll get over it and go back to being friends. What made me mad was the things i heard about you. the things you said about me. yes, i too wish you'd just have told me to my face what you thought of me. and the fact that you said those things when i did nothing to hurt you then. i guess slamming you here was my way of venting. i didn't wanna ever hurt you but i did and I'm sorry. I'd send you a text of call you but i don't have your number anymore. stupid excuse, yes. but I'm too tired to try.

It's been a rough day. I'm supposed to meet David soon but i think there's a change of plans. anyway,I'm off to shower.

2010-03-10T10:57:00.000-08:00

And now he's here ,
And he says he loves me .
And it feels so right ,
And In fact it feels so good that I can't sleep at night .

But I just told myself I will not fall in love again .
But he just came around and then he made me understand ,
That I have never really been in love before.

And suddenly I know what all the love songs that they write are all about ,
And suddenly I don't care if its right or wrong as long as hes around ,
And suddenly the things that used to sound cliche are perfectly right in my eyes .
Perfectly right when he's here .

And if he touches you and you feel your skin is burning .
Kisses you and you feel your stomach turning ,
He's the one ,
He is the one .

my head goes wheee
my heart goes boomboompow
the world spins

when you said 'baby, i love you' i swear, my heart skipped a beat.
when you kissed me, the world started spinning.

i cant stop thinking about you.
you the only one who's made me feel this way. i mean, i imagine telling my family about you. It's the first time i ever thought this about a guy. and yes, i get really jealous but I'll try not to. because i understand the situation. and i don't wanna put you in a tough spot as well. today was awesome. although i did over spend.. like more than a hundred bucks over the limit, it made me happy. just to see you smile, it made me happy. this feeling is confusing me. i told myself never fall in love again. never trust another male. never let your guard down. but with you, it all moved so fast and yet it feels like everything will be okay.

i wanna know how you feel. i wanna know so many things... bu i don't wanna scare you away. goodness, i don't know how to deal with his. i never felt this way before. i really haven't. all the others were different. and it's not the normal typical ' he's different from the others' kind of different. it's different because of the way i feel about him. about this whole thing... it feels.......safe.

i don't want things to go wrong.

i'm scared.

2010-03-06T08:00:00.000-08:00

it's like happening all over again. just like when we were in school. frankly, I'm sick and tired or caring. bitch about me. say what you think. i don't mind. i don't care. i live my life the way i want to. i do stupid things and i live for the fun of it. but at least i don't put on an act. and when people said he deserves better, i defended you. i hope you appreciate it.
whatever happens, as long as he's happy and your happy I'm fine. but i hate to see you two fighting about the smallest things. urgh, whatever. today was supposed to be a fun day. we were supposed to make him happy. but in the end your reactions and mood swings totally killed his happiness. i really hope you regret it. and i hope you think about what you want in life. you seemed to have it all planed out but right now, i don't know who you are anymore. I'm still here for you. but you just seem different now. your not the same as you were before.
it's sad really.
moving on, work is really draining me. there is just so much to think about. and the doctor said i should stay at work more than my working hours because i need to rest. falling back into depression. all that. again. and I'm scared because i can feel it. but I'm just trying not to let it affect me. I'm really weak now. and i wish i wasn't. and they keep giving me station duty... and i cant learn any production.... it's screwed up man.

I'm tired.
goodnight

2010-03-02T06:29:00.000-08:00

i feel like falling into a ditch and dyeing. i hate being sick. and i cant stand missing work like this. but i don't know whats wrong with me. I'm scared. I'm just very scared.

2010-02-27T00:03:00.000-08:00

i keep thinking about it recently. i dont know why... it's not like i see pregnant people everywhere or everyone has a new born somewhere around. it's jusy been bugging me. and i wanna for get it. i dont wanna remember that pain. but it's haunting me. and i cant understand why.

i wanna club soon. to get my mind off everything. i don't know if switching clubs is a good idea or not but we're gonna try it out anyway. I wanna spend a few days out living recklessly and having fun. i wanna live for me and not for anyone else. i don't wanna care about what anyone else thinks of me. i just wanna have fun. with people who know how to have fun.

i don't know why it has to keep going back to this. you know i love you but just as my best friend. i don't wanna spoil this friendship we have. what we have that is special is the way i am. that's the way i was raised. that's why I've stopped. because obviously, you don't understand that part of me. and it's gonna end up hurting you. so I'll stop.

i wanna have a baby.... one day... damn it! i need to get this to stop bugging me.

2010-02-23T10:06:00.001-08:00

I'm all about guys now.. I'm no one to turn to now. you didn't even tell me you were leaving for hk. and that really pissed me off. majorly big time babe. I'm not kidding. i swear i wanted to stand up and walk off. yes, i don't listen. but what you say gets to me. and now, we're like this. i really miss you. and i miss you lecturing me. I'm not all bout guys now. I'm just being single. and yes, I'm careless and stupid at times but i know what I'm doing. and at that point in time, i was just having fun. fuck it fuck care and fuck the world. Clarence taught me that. and that's what i was doing. i don't care about boys. and yes, i know you want me to care about myself. but i find it hard to because i see no value when i look in the mirror. I've been used, used and re used so whats the point of caring anymore. i miss you. and i love you. but i understand too. and you didn't care too much. your my best friend Celia. bestest friend. more than all the others. and it hurts me that we're so far apart now. Jib is going into NS in two days. i need to take care of you. i need to. for him and for me. so, please come back to me safe. love you babe. i swear i really do.

Clarence, thanks for being here for me. even after everything, your still the sweetest thing ever you looser. and i know you still stalk me so just admit it you ass! hehe :D Oooo Fruit!! you know i luv you hun (:

sometimes i wish i was a different person. sometimes i wish nothing ever happened and i was still this innocent thing who knew nothing about guys. its so hard to trust love now.
so, I'm using it. for the fun of it. but I'll stop.

2010-02-18T23:58:00.000-08:00

2010-02-18T23:19:00.000-08:00

Maybe they are right. Maybe i am looking for true love. that's why I'm going through all these jerks to find it. to find him. but i don't think it's worth it anymore. it irritates me and i don't want to loose my best friend. she's already half way gone.
maybe I'll just stick to having friends for now. I'll stop being so desperate for love. there is no point anyway. i just end up getting my heart broken over and over again.

work's been getting tough. every one who means something is leaving or has left. it really sucks. Mel was saying yesterday that once he and Edwin leave, we'll feel it more because then, there will really be no one. No one to teach us, no one to guide us, no one to fix our mistakes... no one. they are like pros compared to us ammatures. it's scary to think that they are only going to be here for a few more days... we've really gotta work harder and faster. really.

ok so, 9 guys. the two main ones are Married. the third one is like my bff at work. the forth one is my Bff for life. the fifth one is supposedly my boyfriend now but he's in Thailand and never calls me. and the other three don't matter.

woow... screw love, lets open a pet shop. it'll be so much easier than dealing with this.
i mean ok, seriously, it's nice to have someone showing you so much love and caring about your every move. not going to bed till your home safe and spending most of his time thinking about you. but, what if you just cannot fall in love with that person? you love him but not the love love that he wants you to feel... it's sad isn't it?
and i feel like such a bad person now. because he means so much to me.

privin's birthday is tomorrow. we're throwing him a party at yishun later... I'm supposed to meet sindhu soon. and i haven't even bathed yet. i really don't feel like going out at all. and that damn cake is giving me a headache.
i have absolutely no money for transport or food or cigarettes. it's like living in survivor but with less.
God why did you make it this difficult for me?
it really isn't fair. i don't wanna be in love with a married man. i wanna have my own.
please...?

if i could give up on life, i really would.

2010-02-12T10:16:00.000-08:00

ever been so in love but you can never be with that person? ever had your heart broken so many times you go scared to ever trust anyone ever again?
ever say your promises will never be broken but get to the point you give up making promises?
ever felt so down that you wanted to end life itself?

i see him every day. i remember that night. the night i could hold him and look into his eyes real close and not worry about anything. now, it's all just a memory. i don't know what he thinks when he sees me. i don't know if he feels anything when he passes me by.
every time i see him my heart stops. every time he walks past me, my heart breaks. i know he's never going to be mine...

Ever had someone love you so much you didn't know how to face them? ever know that you can never be with them but not want to break their heart? ever feel so happy when your with them but not want to tell them cuz you didn't want them to get the wrong idea?
i could fall in love with you. but I'm holding back so so much. i don't want to hurt you because you mean too much to me. i love you i do but not like that.

it's getting too complicated.
i don't know how it got to this....

2010-02-11T10:47:00.000-08:00

so much to say, no words to put down.
annoyed out of my mind.
tired.
sleepy.
in love.
heartbroken.
lonely.
needy.
grumpy.

i wish i had a man to run to. and he'd hold me tight and I'd feel better.

but there is no fucking man.
damnit.

I miss being in the arms of someone who really loves me. i want to fall in love all over again.

2010-02-06T06:51:00.000-08:00

I'm glad it's almost back to normal with us. I missed you all. especially the both of you. Both of you were my best friends. the closest people to me. then you went away.... none of us can even remember what happened. yes it was big, but i still don't care. it's over and we're moving on with our lives. and I'm glad we can still be friends even after everything. I really missed you. having you to talk to and stuff.. i missed that. things may never be the same between us but i hope some day maybe. And PS: i know you've been stalking me!! *winks* :P

Work's been pretty tough this past week. Learning the whole gift shop thing is confusing... but i hope i can get a hang of it soon. I woke up this morning with this horrible feeling. and when i looked in the mirror i felt like just going back to bed. my skin is getting worst and worst. it's so sad you know... like, i wanna have clear skin. I'll deal with the scars later but i just wanna get past this stage of my skin breaking out at random times... it's so bloody annoying. and it's making me feel so ugly :( and I'm putting on weight i think... it's horrible. like the world is going to end!!!

i miss just being alone sometimes... i don't mean to be what some people call emo or whatever. Ive always been quiet. and yes sometimes i behave like a mental person but by nature I'm a quiet person. and i like to think. doesn't mean I'm angry or upset of anything ok? sometimes i just wanna be alone.

my eye itches. i should go to bed now. work at 730 again tmr.
much love: Tasha
xoxox

2010-01-31T08:36:00.000-08:00

I'm soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo nervous about work tomorrow.... seriously. Buffet alone with Donna... Never done it alone before. there's always been someone there to guide me. and that was like a two months ago! i say two months because for the last month I've been on holiday and the month before that i was doing afternoon shift. so I'm freaking scared now. And furthermore, i know of one person who could make my life a living hell there. But if you bring our personal problems into the kitchen, that's not very professional of you. but i wont blame you cuz it's understandable.
i admit, I've been wrong a couple of times with the bad mouthing and stuff. But you said you won't get involved. and now, you are getting involved. you said we wouldn't loose this friendship. but what what do you call us now? You have to have been there to know the whole story from start to finish. how she twisted her words and badmouthed me behind my back while she put on this fake " i trust you more than her" in front of me. what you see her doing now, it's all an act. but you wouldn't know. even if you did, you'd side her cuz your blinded by love. I'm not saying your wrong. I'm just saying, you need to know everything before you judge. i wont blame you for taking her side after all she is your girlfriend now. i really miss you but what can i say. this was expected from the beginning. I'm not surprised nor am i unhappy. I've said from the beginning that i want you to be happy and i meant it. I'm saying this because I'm done acting. I'm not going to fake it anymore. I'm happy that your happy. i shall leave it at that. and i will stop everything right now. because i don't wanna fight anymore. i just want you to be happy. so, I'm sorry for the things I've said. and I'll never say anything again.

on a different note,
i was thinking today about how sad my life is. and frankly, i can't believe how sad it actually is. really.... I'm in no mood to elaborate right now so I'll leave it to some other time.

I'm so damn sacred luhh.... my mind is like going through every single thing and trying to remember what i need to do first, what i need to take note of, every step i have to take.... it's driving me crazy... two days I've been thinking about it. damn it. i should go to bed.
I'm still up cuz I'm hoping this idiot will talk to me properly cuz i know i wont hear from him till the next time i see him online. I'm so tired of waiting around for stupid guys to treat me right. screw boys. seriously.
GAWD! what will it take for them to get it???

2010-01-30T02:36:00.001-08:00

hello humans!
i just woke up from a totally restful day of sleeeeeeeep. got home from fishing this morning at about 930 something. it was super fun cuz of course, NAJIB and DONNA and YUSRI and JEREMY and EJ and CECILIA were my company. :) i dont know what i'm doing tonight. i thought i had plans but now, i'm not sure.

oh oh! last night when i was lying under the stars, i decided something. it's always been at the back of my mind but i've just never been strong enough to carry it out. but i think i have to force myself to be cuz going on the way i'm being now is not going to help me much.
- i'm not going to fall for ANY guy till... well, for the time being it's ever.
- and i'm not going to obsess over anyone.
some of you might not understand it but i do and thats all that matters.

i feel like clubbing tonight with Donna but she's going with her B&J people... and i think it'll be kinda weird if i go with them.... I really really wanna drink tonight.
maybe i'll just do the usual two bottles under my block later tonight... we'll see.

there's so much on my mind now.
Mark has been texting me since yesterday. I made a stupid decision(again) and sent him a msg i shouldent have. and now, this. But it's weird cuz, i thought i still loved him.. but when i read his msgs, there is no feeling anymore. it's really not like before. It least thats a good thing. i think i've moved on from him. moved on to obsession over randon guys. which i'm not going to do anymore. so.. yea.

It's saturday night and i'm home alone. how fucking fantastic. Just goes to show how pathetic my life can be. haha!

2010-01-29T02:45:00.001-08:00

2010-01-28T08:52:00.000-08:00

i could love you. i wanna try to be with you. but your just making it so hard. i know what you want. but does that mean that everything else was a lie?
i loved the way you said you loved me. i loved the way you said you'd never let me down.
but baby your letting me down right now.... and reality needs me to be happy.. and your not making me feel happy at all.

i think a few weeks from now, when i read this post, I'll feel like kicking myself. I'm being so stupid.
sometimes i think about it and i feel like going back to mark. i miss him. so so much. i miss the him that used to love me for who i am. and sayang me. and play with my hair and talk to me about stuff... yes we made love quite alot but it really wasn't as bad as it is now with the other losers. and with mark, at least i really loved him and when we made love, it meant something to both of us. and i knew he really cared about me. the only thing that's keeping me from him is his family. and I'm sure they'd be happy to know that. Congratulations. you people finally are getting what you've wanted all along.
if i weren't me, I'd feel sorry for myself.
i know that if i continue down this road, I'm gonna loose all my friends. and I'll finally be alone for real.

i keep telling myself so many things. like i don't need to be in a relationship. i will be fine alone. whats wrong with being single? i don't wanna keep falling for the wrong people.
there is one guy. i haven't met him. but he's real. he remembers what i tell him. and he asks me things about me. he doesn't think of me that way.. like we'll be together and stuff. him and i have an agreement. and I'm okay with that. but I'm afraid I'll... you know. he seems so perfect. but i just don't want to think about him that way.

gawd! i miss being in a serious relationship.
i think one night soon, I'll be crying myself to sleep.
pathetic.

2010-01-28T02:13:00.000-08:00

He called at 23:17 last night but i didn't have my phone with me. Thank goodness we went to the locker and i looked at my phone. Of course it was the first thing i did cuz I've been so paranoid because he didn't call me since then... well, he called and i missed it. i called him back at 12:50 and he answered but i couldn't really hear him.. but i know he said don't call his house in the morning and at night cuz his mum will be home.... and he said I'll call you tomorrow ok? i told him what kind of impression he;s been giving me and he gave me this Please la.... he didn't sound pissed off but really upset that I'd think that... but still, he hasn't called today. his reason for not calling before was he had school.... i don't know... i really don't know what to think. I stayed in bed and put my phone far far away till like 3 15 this afternoon cuz i didn't want to call him. and i made pancakes and put my phone far far away cuz i wanted to distract myself. and now, I'm bummin and freaking out cuz i really wanna call him.
i sent him a msg on fb last night. and guess what, apparently he's not connected to me on fb anymore... don't know if it's some Internet cock up or... you think? Naaaaah!!! he wouldn't.
would he?

i must be kidding myself right...

i don't know why but this guy is really getting to me...
i realise it takes one guy to get me to forget about another guy.
rebound? not exactly...

I'm still not over him. the big him. I've signed the contract already so there's no way I'm never gonna see him again. I've gotta see him everyday from the day he comes back.

I'm hungry now..... and i wanna smoke..
I've got a feeling.
weird..
maybe/ NOT.
understand understood.
it's always the usual when it comes to these situations.
sad. but that's reality.

I'll be back later.

2010-01-27T13:07:00.000-08:00

Its just past 5am. Just got home from Powerhouse..... :D

Donna and I had a totally rockin girls night out with Dj Kzee. I swear it was freakin awesome!
Thanks for the night out babe!! LOVE YOU!!!!!
and hope your feeling better :P

moving on, I've got a few things that i noted in my phone recently... so.. yeah.

1. Love is like a drug.Wanting someone is like a drug. Needing someone is like a drug. Ignoring the need, the desire, the aching feeling inside, it'll go away. Right? Thats how it works right?
Then why isn't it going away???

2. I'm changing my concept. I used to say i'd do anything for my boyfriend. Now, i won't. Until i know he's serious about me and doesnt only want a one night/day stand for sex. Bullshiters.
----------------------
there are a couple of other things as well... but i think it's no point anymore.

i met this guy recently. And i really like him... but it seems to me that he's just like the other 6. just the sex then they F off.
there is an up side though... I'm learning their tricks. so it's pretty cool to learn how boy's minds can actually function when it comes to picking up girls. and to see and learn the difference of them wanting a girl to satisfy their desires and them wanting a girl to be theirs. there is so much of a difference. Sadly, i'm too stupid to have known that earlier. i had to learn the hard way. oh well, what i can do now is either, be a complete fool and continue on the path i've been taking since mark and i ended things or i can smarten up and find a new path where i dont give two shits about boys or guys or men or whatever and just be single and find a way to be happy. OR, use everything i've learnt against their kind and shoot them down one by one.

it'll take a while for me to decide so for the time being, i'm just gonna fuck it and not care about anything or anybody. till he proves to me he's for real, i'm not gonna treat him like my boyfriend. well, we'll see...
Oh for those of you who are new to this whole thing, i'm kinda attached right now.. but i dont know if it's for real of he just wanted sex. well, if thats was the case, then good for him. but if he's serious about me, then he better fucking wake up and start acting like a fucking boyfriend.
i can get a guy if i want him just like that. it's been proven over and over again. but i still dont get it. and that makes the guys not get it. i still doubt myself. that makes them use me. ahh fuck it la. who cares. my own mother thinks i'm a cheap whore so why the ell should i even care anymore....
i should get paid.
HAH!!!

sorry. i'm kinda high so please pardon me. i'm just typing. and it's my blog so if your thinking anything negative. please be my guest and fuck off. i'm not interested nor do i need your judgement right now. i'm busy judging and degrading myself now thank you very much.

i think i should go before i hurt myself. haha!!!!

ok goodbye world..
it took me three tries to type World... thats so funny.. if only i had someone who'd laugh at me right now.. that would be nice... kinda freaky... but... ok fine i'll shut up now.
goodnight!!!!!!!!!!!!
peaceout--*

2010-01-23T08:54:00.000-08:00

It's finally over. The 22nd and it was finalised. i knew it. i had this feeling in my gut.
i never wanna fall in love again.
I'm never gonna let myself fall in love again.

I'm going to bed after i finish my milk. And i don't care if i sleep of not. I'm just gonna lye there.
I'm so sick and tired of two faced so called humans. Running around like headless ducks trying to find something that's not there. hurting everything and everyone around.
Screw puny headless ducks!

i miss working in the kitchen.
i know i wasn't fantastic at it. but i think i could do better given a longer time to adapt to everything and to learn more...
With the people i want to learn from leaving, i don't know if i do really wanna go back to the same place. i guess it would be a smart choice for the time being.

too much stuff going on at once.

LET ME BE

2010-01-22T02:52:00.000-08:00

I need to get out of the house. no one seems to be free? or i didn't make the effort? maybe i should just be alone. I want to be alone. But from past experience, i know i shouldn't be alone. i wanna go somewhere. anywhere. I just don't wanna be home.

i cant stop thinking about him. I cant stop thinking about the what if's. I cant stop imagining whats going on over there at this very moment... each moment something different... And it's driving me crazy. i swear i almost hurt myself today. stupid.

i keep thinking if everything he ever said to me were all lies. every single thing. just so he could get his way that night. Guys do that. They use words to get what they want. sweet words. words they know the girl wants to hear them say. He knew. He knew about the way i felt. Just from the way i looked at him. He knew.

i cant blame him. He started it but i let it happen. i was kinda sober. i could have been in control. but i didn't wanna be. So it's my fault.

I'm gonna go. before i break something.

2010-01-21T04:42:00.000-08:00

I've got so much on my mind. but most of it i can't release here. so, I'll just do what i can... when i was in Genting, i kept some stuff on my phone cuz i couldn't talk about it. most of the time now a days when I'm typing on my phone, it's just to save into drafts... i have no one to text.
my intention was to transfer what i put down in my phone to here. but now, i don't think that that's such a good idea.

It's become like a movie reel in my head. playing back the moments that were so precious.
I've been staring at his photo most of today. i feel so pathetic. i thought it was just a schoolgirl crush. i never ever thought it'd become this serious. till it became this serious....
how could i let it overwhelm me? i can't let it take over my life.

i know there will be no future...

I've been trying to stop smoking and now, i think i have a reason to. my throat is getting really bad. I haven't had a cigarette for two days now. haven't really thought much about it . i guess because I've had other things on my mind.

i think the date is tomorrow. if I'm not wrong.

i need to think straight. i need to think straight. I need to think straight.
she didn't do anything to me.
she's probably a very nice parson.
even if she's not, he must love her for some reason.
and I'd never hurt someone this way.
it's just not me.
It's not something i would do...

i hurt myself.
I don't hurt others.

2010-01-16T06:09:00.000-08:00

I'm still not over it. He's gone now. and when he comes back, it'll all be different. there's no chance.. all I'll be able to do is look at him and smile with the knowledge of what happened. smile at the face that it happened.
i know he wont continue this after he comes back. something will change.
i wish i could just let this feeling go, like it was just another fling thing. but i cant. i really don't know why. i guess i really did fall in love with him.

Too late Tasha. HE'S GETTING MARRIED!

i need to get my mind off him. i need to pack for the trip tomorrow. i need to sleep.

too many secrets.

i should go.
goodnight.

2010-01-15T22:11:00.000-08:00

2010-01-15T21:21:00.000-08:00

He's leaving tonight. And there's no turning back after this. No more chance of survival. He'll be someone else's man.

This week has been weird. Kissed by three different guys. haven't spent more than 13 hours at home. did my nails twice.
i don't know why i fall for guys i know i cant be with. Its sad really. i wish i could see him once more before he leaves tonight. but i know he'll be busy.

i need to wake up. He's getting married

never fall in love again

2010-01-15T08:47:00.000-08:00

being in love with someone could be the worst feeling in the world. Especially if the man your in love with is getting married in a few days.

he's getting married.

It's a physical pain in my heart. every time i think about him walking down the isle.... it hurts and i cant breath and i go all weak.

he called. we talked. Now, i miss him.

goodnight world. I'm too tired to be heartbroken.

2010-01-08T06:31:00.000-08:00

Home from the day out. Marketing and Dover.
I'm tired.
i hate being sick. seriously. it sucks

i don't wanna loose my best friend.
it's hurting so bad.
i know it's gonna happen. it's just a matter of time.

Chalet is in two days. I'm afraid the feeling will overcome my thoughts.
i miss him so so much.
i miss his voice, his smile, his smell, looking into his eyes, holding his hand.... i miss everything.
i miss talking to him. laughing with him, laughing at him.... (: at least i still have the memories.. should suffice. right?

i wanna drink. but i wanna get better. so i cant. i think I'll go smoke soon. even though my throat hurts like fuck.

i dunno what to say anymore. all i can do is feel. feel the pain
embrace it. cuz one day, i wont even be able to feel anymore.

2010-01-07T08:35:00.000-08:00

i couldn't sleep... and now I'm eating... and I'm sleepy and tired and upset and irritated but i cant sleep. this sucks

2010-01-07T03:41:00.000-08:00

Tomorrows gonna be a busy day. Today on the other hand is completely flat. i woke up at 330pm and I've been bummin around at home since then. My throat is hurting like crazy. I'd give you an illustration but I'm too lazy and tired to think of one. my dear reds decided to finally drop by today and it couldn't be at any worst time. I have Shaun's house tomorrow night and the Chalet on the 10th. and now, thanks to this, I'm gonna be alone tomorrow night.

Supposed to go shopping for the chalet stuff tomorrow morning. then to dover but I've gotta go to Conrad in between to get my money with Donna. then it'll be dover till dunno what time..

Damnit i cant even swallow nothing without my throat hurting like crazy. i haven't even smoked at all today cuz it hurts so bad :(
i thin k i need to see a doctor... seriously this time. but i don't have the time...

aiyah... whatever la. I'm so freaking tired of everything.
even though it's only almost 8pm, i wanna go to bed.

so goodnight.

Tick tock the clock has stoped

2010-01-06T02:46:00.000-08:00

So how did you get here
Under my skin?
I swore that I'll never let you back in
Should have known better
In trying to let you go
Cause here we go go go again
Part of that joy I know I can't quit
Something about you
Is so addictive

So here we go again.
I never wanted you to change. i just wanted to see you happy. Even if it was at my own expense? Yes. Because that's how much you mean to me. That's how much i love you. I'd do anything for you. as I would for any of my best friends. But this time it's different. After being betrayed countless times, I've grown cold. Cold to this feeling of loneliness. this feeling of getting something so close to you ripped away like a freakin band aid. you know the kind that sticks to you to close and even when you bathe it doesn't come off... no matter how much you scratch it wont come off and it's painful when you manage to get the corners off, it pulls your skin. its been there so long protecting your wounds from getting worst. and now, it's been ripped off by some UN important object that came out of no where.
Fantastic.
i feel so fucking wonderful.

Club plans got canceled for tonight cuz Mel didn't feel like going. I'd never go if he wasn't going so.. yea....
so i guess I'm gonna hang with my girl and all at pioneer. i need their company. and the... k Celia's coming to my place....
what was i saying..... oh yea..
i wanna drink tonight. i think I'll be getting my money at 11 or something. then I'm gonna buy half of 7-11's alcohol and drink till i pass out.
ok I'm talking nonsense.

I'm enjoying getting fat on chips and dip now so leave me alone!

All or nothing

2010-01-05T19:55:00.000-08:00

i woke up with this song in my head. Two people came to mind in an instant. I want everything to be okay. i don't wanna fight anymore. i msged Celia as soon as i could open my eyes and her response was not what i expected. its the first time she's being so hard headed about the situation. i don't know if its a good or bad thing. But i know she has the right to feel this way. I don't know why but i just want everyone to stop fighting and get back together. i want no more tears and broken hearts. fake smiles and emotional nights.

whatever it is, I'm gonna make it right with Angel. Only because i wanna be my own person. and i wanna forgive her. what she did didn't cause permanent damage. permanent hurt, yea, but we can fix it with time. Not to say I've been perfect. i too badmouthed and spoke ill of her. even when she was close to us. i had horrible thoughts of ways to get back at her. what kind of person am i turning out to be? i don't wanna be like that anymore.

i wish this war would end.

2010-01-05T08:06:00.000-08:00

Is it wrong to be in love with someone who doesn't love you? Wanna give your everything to one guy who treats you like something he can get in the store?

Chalet is on the 10th. Cant wait. first chalet I'm going to single. hah!! i think I'll be sad... especially after I've drunk like half the bottle. fuck it I'll drink before going. and I'll be high the whole day and when i wake up I'll drink some more.
i dunno if Shaun will go.

i need to sleep but i just don't feel like sleeping. I'm on this major sugar rush now. i need to wake up at 10 and exercise till 12 then shower and meet Sanjeev at 1. so I'm asking for trouble if i don't sleep now. damn it!

GOODNIGHT!

2010-01-04T08:42:00.000-08:00

Went to Shaun's last night. i missed him... he said its gonna be different now. but i don't know if i should believe him. he told me to call him when i got home. i texted him but he never did reply... So it's giving me doubts. I've texted him three times since then. and still no response. so.. yea.

I've grown weak in the areas I've always been strong. sadly, i wont be getting much practice. and my body has changed since i had the opp. i need to go train my legs... I'm seriously damn weak already. I wanna be with him.. i wanna be with him so much. but i just really don't know if i can trust anything about him. It's really so confusing with him. the whole being my aunt's ex and all... weird. I just really wanna be in love with somebody... him?

There were moments i felt something special. but there wasn't love. just a whole load of care.. i swear if i found a man, I'd treat him like a freakin God. like anyone would believe that. Tell me i didn't treat him that way? till he betrayed me. i never hurt him. i gave him everything. Everything. i trusted him. i didn't hold him back. i didn't tie him down. i respected him. i loved him. anything you can think of i did it for him.

i just woke up and yet I'm still sleepy... so goodnight for now.

2010-01-01T01:28:00.000-08:00

2010. feels weird typing those numbers. i cant believe I've entered a new year with no one by my side and with tears rolling down my cheeks. no one was home. and i was. everyone was together and i wasn't with them.

church was alright. I've been there before with Mark and his family. those memories were the ones that got me all messed up last night. But thanks to Sanjeev for bringing me. at least i got to spend time with God before we entered into the new year.

my heart feels so restless. i miss him a lot. so many times i had to restrain myself so that i wouldn't text him. not even a new years msg. I'm scared. i don't want anything to go wrong.

I've stopped myself from liking and falling for anyone. so no more. no more nonsense. all i need is my friends and my family. i don't wanna be sad anymore. i don't wanna cry anymore. I'm gonna meet Vani now. at yishun. then we'll meet Thanga and Dharma. then to marsling to meet Sanjeev.

i hope today will be better than yesterday was.

2009-12-30T01:53:00.000-08:00

there's so much in my heart and mind. but i just have no words. there is so much to say. but i cant comprehend the feelings and the emotions myself.

he's still in my heart. he always will be. but it's been a month already. there is no point of looking back now. but what if looking to the future doesn't bring happiness either?

what if the emotions i put out there are just looked over? what if i get my heart broken all over again?

part of life? waste of time? possible new beginning?

its all in Gods hands

2009-12-26T08:12:00.000-08:00

i miss being in love. i miss having someone sweep me off my feet. i miss someone holding me and telling me they love me. i miss holding hands and feeling that indescribable rush.....

went to see Kyss today. yes, he rubbed in in. he said i told you so. i didn't have anything in mind. i still don't. Made an appointment to discuss the cover up on the 15th. maybe a wing? i don't know.... i don't even know if i wanna cover it up. I'll miss it. and the cover up will be 3 times the original tattoo size... maybe i should just go lazer it off? i have to make a decision soon... cuz i know he'll be pissed off if i miss the appointment.

haven't slept since yesterday and I'm too bloated to go to bed now. I left at 12pm cuz i was feeling so tired. Didn't wanna come home cuz that fucker was here. so i went to meet with Celia and Jib. then met Donna and Melvin and Jeremy at cck station. went to Donna's place for a mini bbq and basketball. it was fun. having all my best friends with me. as I've said before, just being with them can make me feel on top of the world.

there is something majorly wrong with me. I'm always falling for the wrong guys and I'm always getting my heart broken. And this time, i really don't know what the hell is wrong with me.

I always fall for guys... the first thing is their personality, the second is their smell. i know its weird, but each guys smells different to me. i absolutely love his smell. it's not a perfume thing. it's just.... his smell. he just smells so good. oh god.... i ought to be shot. I'm not in love with him or anything. he just smells so damn good to me.

I'm gonna go get some money tomorrow. i need to save for the chalet which is totally screwed up.

as mush as I've been drinking these past couple of days, i need more. i wanna be drunk and do stupid things and be hung over. it's the only way to numb the pain...

it's the only way to numb the pain..........

2009-12-25T01:18:00.000-08:00

Christmas day. i'm supposed to be happy. i'm supposed to be happy. i'm supposed to be happy.

:D been telling myself that all day. Havent seen Timmy or anyone yet. We didnt even go to Faith for service this morning. we went to some un known church i feel nothing for. seriously. this chrismas is turning out to be a horrible one. we're hosting dinner... and i know its gonna be horrible. :(

2009-12-22T09:46:00.000-08:00

just got home. the days pass by just like that. i wanna go shopping tomorrow. so I'll be waking up early. i wish Celia could go with me but i guess I'll be alone this time. shopping alone is really no fun. i don't know what to get anyone for Christmas this year. Christmas just doesn't feel like Christmas...

i miss him. not just having him around for me to call and talk to and meet and be close to or what. i really miss him. just looking at him would make me at least a little content.
the tears last night made me feel a little better at least.
i keep thinking about what he's doing at this very moment... does he still miss me... is he angry...? is he alright....
yea yea i know I'm pathetic. but i guess its normal.

club night tomorrow. cant wait to get my mind off everything.

2009-12-21T11:33:00.000-08:00

i don't understand myself sometimes. i get jealous for the most stupid reasons.

I've been emoing since last night. i haven't cried since it happened. and i feel like it now but there aren't any tears. i felt this pain today... physical pain in my heart. ever felt that? i recognised it.. and i know what it was. but i don't know what i cant cry.
i cant think of being with anyone new. i just feel like going back but i know i cant. i don't want to go back but i want to... i miss him. so so much...

Mel asked me to listen to this song. and it's on repeat now...

i might cry tonight.

2009-12-19T22:25:00.000-08:00

So i guess I've lost yet another best friend.... ?
I don't wanna believe it. i wish things were different.
i cant believe you'd change so much.
you've left me to suffer alone. and i was always there for you...

Club tonight with my kum chengs:)
at least that's got my moral going for the day.
Patti and Tatta's birthday today so we're going out for dinner.

I'm thinking of somethings.. and there's no one for me to confide in... no one who'd truly understand from the heart. only Celia would know but now.. nvm...

i wanna go pierce my ear later. I've got ten bucks so might as well make full use of it.
i wanna go count my money now.

i just realised something... isn't tonight like gay night or something????

2009-12-17T10:40:00.000-08:00

my throat really hurts. like... REALLY hurts. i cant sing anymore. that sucks. and i keep coughing. and its so hard to breath. when i try to breath in i feel like I'm choking and like i cant breath... i cant even sleep... one more day of work then I'll have my off day. it's already packed. I'm going for my hair cut at 1030am. then spending time with mummy. then Timmy's performance at esplanade at 730 then St James at night.

I'm totally broke. that's really annoying cuz I've gotten my bills already. and the chalet money and other stuff.... shopping is important too :P

i thought of him today.... it's sad really. we had so much going. i trusted him every bit. but then he cheated. then he left and treated me like... hah... then he came back. then i cheated. then i went back... and i kept it going. till i wanted to get serious. he was so sweet to stay with me through it all. but then i got pregnant and he panicked? hit me and stuff... and i lost the baby. and it's nothing to him. he wasn't there. at all. he didn't even get to see our baby. i did. and i still remember. tiny thing inside me... i felt it. i knew even before i took the test. i kept telling him. he forced alcohol on me and i didn't refuse. he hit me and i let him. he played rough and so did i. we messed around... and i lost our baby... with that, i lost faith. it still hurts. but who cares? no one but me. i wish there was someone who I'd fall in love with like i did with him. i never felt that before. and it's still with me. i don't wanna see him cuz i know I'll go weak. and i don't wanna be weak. I'm totally independent now. when i told my family, they were all so happy. the opinion that matters the most to me is Timmy's. and he was so happy. i could tell he was so proud of me. but i hope it lasts. that's the reason I'm clubbing and stuff. i never club. never ever before. i never danced either. not once. but now, i go, i drink, i smoke, i dance and i have fun. no one to answer to. yes i went over board once. but i swear it wont happen again anytime soon. unless I'm freaking emo or something...
i started to miss him today... but i don't want to miss him.
Melvin played his music in the kitchen today. it lightened my mood a little. but it didn't help much.
i feel like staying home tomorrow... but i think i should go. cuz i need the money. i wish i could earn like 80 + a day like Donna but i cant cuz i cant wake up to go in early. you know why? cuz I'm still awake at this hour typing shit on the com.

i feel like watching a movie. i haven't seen newmoon yet :(

oh well, i guess i can forget it. maybe Saturday?? since Celia is not working too.. but I'm broke. so yea.. damnit!

i don't wanna play the broken hearted girl. so I'm gonna be okay.
fuck I'm gonna cry...

shit luhhh

2009-12-14T10:32:00.000-08:00

it's a very Emotional day today. i woke up to a msg that was supposed to make me smile. and yet, it made me pissed off. "i don't know if I'm thick skin or....? happy 3 years 1 month....! ......."

i don't know the official date we broke up but it feels really official. and i feel good about it. like, i feel free. but sometimes... sometimes i feel all shitty and stuff.... i guess that's part of the package. being single is easy if you like go out and party and stuff everyday. being home and awake in the middle of the night stinks. cuz it gives you time to think...

blah blah blah. i promised Mel that i wont think anymore. so i won't.

I'm hungry now. i feel like cheese fries or something...

Club again on Wednesday. but Donna's not gonna go. she's responsible. unlike me. heh
we'll be going with a bunch of ppl from work whom i hardly know. hope it'll be as much fun as it was the last two times. after seeing the photos from after i went nuts, i feel like a complete idiot.
i think wearing what's comfortable to me is not such a good idea next time. cuz seriously, it it wasn't for the tiny safety pin attached to my bra i think my top would have fallen all the way down. I've said this before.. that i should learn how to control my drinking. but i just wanna have fun you know. and its not so much fun when your in control...
but damn man... seriously. after i remembered everything that happened.. Damn...

it's over. and i swear, i... gosh. nevermind.

i miss Celia and Jib. oh yea, the chalet is being moved to east coast by the way. i dunno how it's gonna be cuz I've never been before. but i think it'll be cool cuz every one's still going so...

alright, I'm kinda sleepy now. Prakash is supposed to be online at 3. I'm supposed to wait for him. but I'm sleepy!!! and hungry :(

oh booo!!!

k I'm not gonna wait. I'm sleepy. and I'm going shopping tomorrow.
so Goodnight!!!

yea the party don't start till we walk in

2009-12-13T10:36:00.001-08:00

Single life is freakin awesome. i miss him. but they make it all better. being with Melvin and Donna just gets my mind off everything. I'm the quietest one in the bunch but with the two of them combined, they just make me so happy. i can't wait for the Chalet. all my best friends will be there. Celia, Najib, Melvin and Donna. You guys really mean the world to me.

there is so much NEWS. but I'm too sleepy. I'm not hungover anymore. but my throat really hurts. so I'm going to go to bed now.

I'm gonna get up at 10 tmr and go shopping. just because i feel like it.

The 13th was Daddy's birthday so HAPPY BIRTHDAY DADDY!! :D

even though i think i did some crazy shitz last night, it made me forget.

i have to apologise again to *****. i went a little over bored. I'm really sorry. ii hope you don't like... treat me different after this cuz of what happened. but if you do, I'll understand.

Anyhow, ... ok I'm a complete blank now so I'm gonna go to bed.

HELLO Tomorrow!! :D

PS:

i puked on my superman shoes :(

but i washed them this morning and they're good now :D

kkz, Nights all!

LOVES!!

2009-12-11T01:27:00.000-08:00

The past couple of day have been awesome. hanging out with the people i love. partying all night and sleeping all day. oh yes, not forgetting working too. but you see, when you party, then you go to work, that's the most fun cuz it makes work like a party too :D

laughing like crazy and dancing in the kitchen.
it was so funny cuz when we got to the hotel, we saw each other and started laughing. haha!!! funny shitzz man

I'm late holly shit! ok. I've gotta go get ready for diner now.

Loves to all!!!!

well, not ALL. but yea. you get the picture.

2009-12-08T03:03:00.000-08:00

I'm going out tonight. and I'm gonna take photos. and I'm gonna laugh. and play. and stay out late.

I'm gonna be happy tonight.

i don't care about you, or you or even you. i don't care about any of you anymore.

when you think of it, every little piece of it is keeping me from turning blue

2009-12-07T22:47:00.000-08:00

My body is in holiday mode already :)
but my bank account isn't.
My casual labour money is not in yet! sad sad :(

i guess I'll have to survive till the 21st.
i sprained my back while drying my hair yesterday. so i didn't go in to work today. i wasted like $56 luhh!

ouh ouh! let me tell you about my plans for this end of year!
I'm going to get one piercing, one more tattoo, one cover up, get back in shape, and find happiness. Fucking enjoy myself at our chalet and be totally care free.
i would say stop smoking but i know i wont. quit drinking? get real!
I'm just gonna make myself happy. do whatever the fuck i want and put a smile on my own face.
i would show you a draft of the new ink but i think I'll wait for a while.
i don't wanna waste the day away so I'm gonna go pamper myself now. I'll start with a work out. then a hot shower. then... we'll see :)

2009-12-06T23:23:00.000-08:00

HAHAHA! fuck you Clarence Clement. Seriously. your so blind. And so full of yourself.
i admitted i made a mistake so why cant you? oh yea, your a guy.
If you cant give a fuck then why the fuck are you still reading my blog?
Just screw off and carry on with your wonderful life then.
Honestly, i don't care anymore.
Yesterday was the last time i ever thought about You or Mark or any of you for that matter.

and for the last time, the whole world doesn't revolve around You.
You mean nothing to me.

i wont even keep the memory of you.
Happy?
it's all burnt to ashes and buried.

NOT EVEN THE FUCKING MEMORY CLARENCE.
Thanks. for every fucking thing you did for me.
Now it's over.

are you happy now?

2009-12-06T05:42:00.000-08:00

i have something to say. i think it's really sad that one person could destroy a whole family. when i was a kid, my brothers and i were really really really close to one set of our cousins. we're related by the Weerasekera name. well.. we were. we were practically siblings. we spent almost every holiday at their place.
every time i think about our childhood now i kinda tear a little.
you know the person i miss the most is Auntie Bobby.
i don't really care is you guys change your last name or anything but why can't we be as close as we were before?
Elissa has changed so much. i don't even know who she is anymore.
Esther is pretty much the same but she's got her own thing going now...
Ezra and i were never that close... but i still miss him.

i know that that's what happens when we grow up. But we distanced only because he left. so what? you guys just let go of everything we had?
what happened to family comes first?
you guys are the ones who taught me that....

sometimes i feel so lost and i just wanna run away but i don't know how to find you.
i swear i never ever missed family the way i miss you four.
i used to go to yishun a lot... and sometimes I'd feel like just looking for you.
you guys may think that this family is better off cuz my mum's working and supporting the family and all that but there is nothing. nothing special. we don't have the love that you four have. that's what i want my family to be like. Timmy and i were so close when we were kids. but now, cuz i grew up wayward, he and i are kinda like strangers sometimes. he used to be proud to call me his sister. but now, he sees me as a messed up... mess. yea i smoke and i drink and i have tattoos. but so what? that doesn't change who i am. I'm still your little sis... but i guess you'll never see me that way again. your all grown up now anyway...

we are all, all grown up now..

2009-12-06T02:16:00.000-08:00

i never knew you to be the type to break your promises. but here i am, in need of my best friend and your gone. you say you've "moved on". She says you've "moved on". from our relationship, i can understand. But from our friendship? The friendship that meant the world to me? i would have given anything for you. i did in fact. and just because of your feelings for me i had to let you go.

yea yea yea, you've moved on. but i don't really care. YOU PROMISED.

maybe i never meant as much to you as you do to me.
maybe that's why it was so easy for you to "move on".
maybe all guys really are the same.
maybe I'm just not good enough for anyone.
maybe i was never good enough for you.

maybe that's why when i decided i was going to be faithful to you, you lied to me. you betrayed me. that's why we stopped talking. remember?
i wanna talk to you. but i know you won't answer my call or reply to my msg.
and i wouldn't know what to say anyway.
your probably better off now that I'm not in your life anyway.

Mark, one day you'll wish you never treated me like this. you'll see that there is no one out there who can possibly love you any more than i do. you'll wish you saw that you are my everything. but by then its gonna be too late. by then I'll wish i never loved you this much. but i do. and i don't know how to get over it. every body's been over it with me so many times that every time i think about it, there is no one else i can talk to because everyone is telling me that your no good for me. i deserve better and all that but i just can't live without you. God knows why. i love you too much to hurt you. but you hurt me and that's okay?

Angel, I'm sorry about what happened. i don't wanna have to tell you i told you so. but i did. i did tell you. and you didn't listen.and now, your in the exact position that Celine was in. you didn't believe us then but i hope your eyes are open now. i hope you learned from this mistake. treat yourself like a woman. not a toy men can play with. hang in there. we're here for you when you need.

Celia and Najib, thank you. for everything. i love you guys :)
we should totally go watch a move together one day. haha! random!!

how pathetic am i? sitting here still wearing my going out clothes waiting for his call. oh FYI, he said he wanted to meet me today so i left work at 330. and when i called him, he tells me so casually that he's helping his cousin move stuff to or from his workplace. he didn't even send me a text to tell me that we weren't meeting. i could have stayed on at work and gotten so much extra money today from casual labour. i don't even know why I'm waiting for his call.. hoping that he'll ask to meet me when he's done?HAH! like that's ever gonna happen.

i know I'm being stupid but... i miss him...

2009-11-30T03:53:00.000-08:00

the project is done. Finally. now all i have to do is get my log book organised. which will give me another headache. shitz man!

*god will not create your soul mate and never allow you to meet them.
-Really?
*DUHH!!

i watched paranormal activity yesterday. it was so nice. although i was afraid to go out of my room at 4am this morning, i think it was damn nice.
we talked yesterday. and i told him everything. his lack of maturity still worries me. I've given up so i should move on.
I'm stubborn and I'm bitchy. oh bite me.
you people have your people. i don't want or need your pity. he's moved on. yea. i don't give a crap anymore. i don't know him. i wish i never knew him.
i make bad choices.

i get so irritated and grossed out when guys try to "get to know me" now. unless there is totally nothing going on and we're friends... it the feeling you know... you can tell when someone wants something from you. it's sick.

anyway, I'm gonna go relax now.
bye space marines!!

2009-11-27T06:45:00.000-08:00

Gudday computer:) its 1055pm now and i just got home from work. i started at 7am today.

when i got to the hotel this morning i seriously didn't feel like going into the kitchen at all. i sat at the smoking corner for like half an hour before i started walking to the kitchen. I was super early today. i dunno how come. i sent my mummy a text telling her how much i can't stand working there anymore. but i don't have a choice. hopefully i can get out of there as soon as possible. all my leave is gone. mysterious. hah! politics.

I'll miss a few when i leave though. All the bakers and Chef Keng and Melvin and Tom...
Postponed the trip to the US cuz of this attachment. I can't wait till i can see my ticket again.

i give up thinking about you. as much as i miss you, i realise that i mean nothing to you. all of you. as usual, I'll be here when you need me. other than that, have a good life. i don't mind being alone. it's quiet. and i like quite.
i know i haven't changed. that's all that matters.
my pay is in. i need to pay my bills. no shopping this month.. again :(

it's late. i need at wake up at 4 again so gudnite computer :D

2009-11-25T06:02:00.001-08:00

Went back to school today for the final presentation. I talked so much la. i hope i wasn't like out of point or whatever... my slides weren't done in time so i just had pictures which Donna and i shared. It was so hard to go back to that place. So many major things happened when i was in that school and to go back there and take it all in was a little overwhelming.
i don't think i wanna go for the whole graduating ceremony.

I'm getting tired of working at this place. i need a break. from everything. i might have a complete breakdown if i continue like this. it might be hard for most people to understand but it really is draining me. the the hours plus working with people i don't like plus this whole emotional thing that i have going now is totally not working out.
If your reading this and you think it should be easy enough for me to just let go of all the emotional baggage then you don't know or understand anything about me so you might as well stop reading and move on to the next blog.

my back is killing me. it's not the muscles or anything. it's my spine itself. i wish i could afford to go for the opp. but i can't so i might as well stop talking about it.

i feel like a piercing or a tattoo. but I'm afraid I'll regret it so I'll be thinking about it for a while before i make my decision.

although i didn't do much today, I'm tired. very very tired.
so, goodnight.

2009-11-23T05:33:00.000-08:00

This is the point of time you feel you might die cuz you really are All Alone and your hurting so bad inside. There's Absolutely No One who could replace the ones you Used to have. The ones you Used to be able to confide in. Yet, you wake up every morning and carry on with your life

just the way you should because you have to. Even though there is nothing to look forward to and No One to love, you'll Probably be alright.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

there's nothing else i can say.

2009-11-22T21:06:00.000-08:00

remember all the things we wanted. now all our memories they're haunted. we were always meant to say goodbye.

you couldn't have loved me better but i want you to move on so I'm already gone

looking at you makes it harder but i know you'll find another who doesn't always make you wanna cry

you know that i love you so. i love you enough to let you go.

you cant make it feel right when you know that its wrong. there is no moving on so I'm already gone.

oh monday

2009-11-22T20:25:00.000-08:00

i went to work at 6am this morning with less than 2 hours of sleep and a hangover. it was so crappy cuz i almost fainted in Oscars and i got sent home.
sadly it's considered an MC.

I'm so sleepy but i know if i don't do my computer stuff before i go to sleep i wont get to use the com at all after this.

I've been thinking so much lately. about everything.
it's been almost a year since i had the miscarriage. sometimes when i close my eyes i can still see the small peanut shaped shadow that once lived in me.
i guess that's all it is now, a shadow.

i miss being held. i miss being loved. i miss the i love yous and kisses.
i wish someone would come along and sweep me off my feet.
someone who wont treat me like i owe them a living.

after 6 years of being attached, it's time for me to get used to being single. independent? i don't know. it's damn hard for me cuz i need a male character in my life. it's hard to explain. it's like... that's the only way I'd be able to feel safe. i don't know if that makes sense to you...

i think having an imaginary boyfriend was was better than all the real ones. i miss him actually. my imaginary boyfriend that is. haha! i sound like a nutcase.
if only i could become the innocent girl i once was.

oh well.

i haven't even started on the final project and it's due in two days. i don't know what I'm gonna do. i haven't filled up my log book for the past 9 weeks. yes, it's official. I'm screwed.
but right now, my eyes are closing. and I'm starting to think of people i shouldn't be thinking of. so even though it's noon, goodnight world. see you in a couple of hours.

2644? ... whats that??

2009-11-19T21:05:00.000-08:00

so I'm back to work today. as usual i don't know when I'll be able to get on the comp again. but it doesn't really matter cuz there isn't much to do here anyway.

i realised this morning that i did something stupid on Wednesday night.
to you, I'm sorry. i was was drunk and i wasn't thinking. I've gotten it that you've moved on and i swore not to ever disturb you again. i forced myself not to send you a single msg on your birthday even. i wont ever contact you. not even when it hurts because i realise how much i need you. call me stupid and useless or whatever and I'll take it. it's probably true coming from you anyway so why should i fight. i blame myself. i should have never let you in. i should have never given you that 'false' sense of 'friendship'. so once again I'm sorry for ever coming into your life and spoiling your memories in ITE.

k it's 1.14 now and i have to leave now. so I'll get going.
love:
me
xxxx

2009-11-18T21:23:00.001-08:00

It's been an enjoyable past 5 months. especially when now when we've got chef's who treat us like part of the family. i guess no package arrives in mint condition. there is always going to be a crack or dent somewhere.

Attachment has been alright. there are days i wish i didn't have to go back there and days i wish i wouldn't end.

oh well... it's going to be over soon. I'll miss it. I'll miss the environment. I'll miss the experience. I'll miss the kitchen. most of all, I'll miss the beautiful people we've gotten to know. Some I'll miss more than others. who's the know what the future brings.
I'll be waiting.

moving on, it's my off day today. i got so high last night. haha!! just for the fun of it you know....

Donna and i sat under my block and talked till 430 in the morning.

the sad part is sometimes i feel closer to people i haven't known for that long compared to people who were supposedly my best friends. i don't mean that in a bad way. please don't get me wrong. it's sad. it used to be ' mind if a friend joins us?" but now it's " wanna hang out with me and my friend?"

i swear my heart broke when i saw that text on my phone. then it hit me that I'm never gonna get them back. we're never gonna be the way we used to be. it's my fault. I'm the one who walked away when Clarence and i fought. i blame myself. but it still hurts.

Prakash is getting married soon. his last day was yesterday. I've got an invite to his wedding dinner in JB. but i don't know if I'll be able to go. firstly i don't know if I'm working. secondly i don't wanna go to JB alone.

i have to fix my camera. i wanna get a picture or more with each of my chefs before we leave.

Ganesh, Prakash, Joan, Tom. and the whole pastry team.

Ever fight so hard for someone then think maybe you want something different?
it's not that i don't love him anymore. i just feel that I'm too old for him. and maybe it'd be better if i waited for someone who is more mature and can take care of me. instead if me supporting the whole relationship.
i know everyone has heard me say this so many times. and yet in the end i still come back. it's a cycle.
but i want a man who'd put me first. family first, then me then his friends. i want to be happy. and I'm not. i want to be taken care of. but I'm not.
it brings me to tears thinking of leaving him. i don't wanna live a life without him.

i keep telling myself to be patient with him. he just needs to grow up a bit more then he'll be better. he'll start earning. he'll get his licence and we'll have enough to get an apartment and move in together. but I'm so tired of waiting. it's been three years and things have not gotten better.
i know the only way I'd be able to get over him is if there was another guy. to just be there for me. be my knight in shining armor. be there for me when i need to cry. and to keep me company. and to keep my mind off him. i miss that guy. but he's never coming back. i guess his life is better now that I'm out of it. it's always the case. it's like I'm a jinx to males.

i wanna watch newmoon. i seriously cannot wait for it to come out. i haven't gone on a movie date for so long.

I'm gonna be home emo-ing today. I'm broke cuz mark withdrew all my money. I've got one pack of ciggies and the computer and the television today. no renting movies. no outside food. no fun.
i miss Celia. we've got to go back to school in a few days. i don't know how I'm gonna take being back in that place. all the memories. haix....

oh well.

2009-11-09T00:46:00.000-08:00

you know whats funny? the fact that you can love someone so much, and hate then all at the same time.

last night was fun. the atmosphere was a little tense but i guess it'll be better. I'm just so tired of everything. all the damn drama. I'm tired of being caught up in this relationship moving nowhere. I'm tired of jumping from one guy to the next and getting my heart broken over and over again. I'm tired of making new friends and starting to love them then having them get taken away for some reason. any reason is never near good enough.

i lost two of my best friend cuz of a boy and now, I'm about to loos the one and only one i have left. like i said before, boys kill friendship.

I'm tired of loosing everything.

i hate the meetings i dread the sex i hate the heart break. there is nothing to look forward to anymore. yet, i find it so hare to let go. let everything go. fly away. i don't wanna play the broken hearted girl. not anymore i won't. looking at the old photographs make my heart go weak. i miss you. both of you. but at least you have each other.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

to Celia, hang in there hunny. I'll always be here when you need me. and even when you don't. just hang in here. i love you.

i don't know if the six of us will ever be like we were before but i cant be bothered anymore. say whatever you please. I'm tired of caring.

every time i think someone will be different, they turn out just the same.

i give up.

Close you eyes Sometimes it helps

2009-11-07T22:32:00.000-08:00

so long since I've set my hands on a keyboard.

i tried to get in touch but after i scrolled down your blog page i discovered how much it still hurts.
i miss you a whole lot. i think about you all the time. i swear. but i cant do it. i hope you guys are happy. really i do.

I've gotta stop before i cry. pfft!

Anyway, Dinner at Oscars tonight. Celia's not going. it's really gotten my mood down cuz she's my top priority. haven't seen her for a week now and i miss her crazy. I've got to go get the balloon for my girl Donna and get ready and all.. i should get started soon....

there was so much to recount. but it's all a blank now. I'm starting to loose my temper alot these days. and it gets really bad...

mummy prayed for me in church today. i told her about the smoking too. we talked about it last night on the way home from work.

Honestly,
i haven't been great.
I'm starting not to care about anything anymore.
bad dreams when i sleep.

oh well..

Love Me

2009-10-17T04:59:00.000-07:00

I miss my friends. i miss hanging out and just chatting... i miss just sitting on your bed watching you do your thing... spending time with you.
i miss... everything.
your on my mind everyday without fail.
but it confuses me. this whole situation confuses me.

i miss you but i cant bare to remember him.. we shared everything. and he chose to leave.
or did i push him away?

either way, it's all broken now.
i cant fit the right pieces together. I've tried so hard...

please don't hate me.
i still love you.
your still my best friend.

2009-10-09T03:25:00.000-07:00

Well, yet another off day is passing quickly. i slept from around one early this morning to about 2 in the afternoon. I had pancakes for breakfast and lunch. watched tv and bummed out till about 530 then went to shower. and now I'm here.

yesterday after work Mark came to town to pick me up. i met him at city hall and we went to walk around at bugis. and this time, we really went to walk around. we had dinner at MacDonald's and bumped into some people i wasn't too keen on seeing. after dinner we went walking along bugis street. It's been so long since I've gone to that part of bugis. oh before that i got a pair of really cute shoes at RUBI. i was so happy :) ok so, we walked and looked for jeans for him. couldn't find anything nice... i got him a shirt and he got himself a t-shirt from spade. then we went to fine earrings fro him. and we finally found something he liked at this small shop. and i got a cap for myself. i don't know if I'll ever wear it but it was so pretty. he liked it first but it wasn't his style so i got it. then we walked around still looking for a nice pair of jeans and we walked past this place full of bags. he got me the one I've been wanting for so long but i didn't get it cuz it's so common. he really made me feel so good last night. i was happy. we finally found a pair of jeans but he couldn't try it on cuz everything had closed. he got it anyway and it turns out it fits him perfectly. we just have to alter the length and taper it a little bit. now all that's left is a pair of new shoes.

my back is seriously painful. i have no pain killers of that plaster thing cuz i left it all in the drawer at work. I'll just have to rest.

Chef Ganesh came back to work today. i think... i hope he's feeling better.

I'm going to watch TV now..

2009-10-04T23:43:00.000-07:00

I think Alicia Keys is absolutely brilliant in Empire State Of Mind. Every time i listen to it, no matter how crappy I'm feeling, I'll end up feeling better.

2009-10-04T23:09:00.000-07:00

I'm on MC again. I've used up 6 of my 7 allowed days of MC. for the first time in my life I've been falling sick so much. this time i injured my back and the doctor wanted to give me a week off but i said no. so he said minimum of 2 days with more medication... screwed up right?

i hate being 20.
i had so much more to blog about but i totally lost my mood cuz this comp is lagging... and it's annoying me. and my back hurts again. the damn pain killers aren't working.

never the less, i cant wait to go back to work tomorrow.

I'll probably come back later. after my nap.

2009-10-02T06:01:00.000-07:00

my back hurts like crazy. and my knees are getting weaker by the day. i don't know how long more i can take the pain... and my heart is giving trouble again. It sucks when everything comes back all at once.

I think I've changed. I'm not the same old me anymore... it's sad cuz i think it could to me really loosing everything. But I'm happy cuz i like being quiet and lonely and to myself. it's peaceful. and there's no drama. I'm not exactly happy because there are still things that bug me.
thinking about it, i might be going into another stage of depression.... the last time i knew it was coming. i became reserved again and blah blah blah....

and now, it's the same.

oh well... whatever happens happens. I'm just afraid my back will get worst than it already is. that's the worst thing that could happen in my life.

i feel that my heart has grown cold. i still feel but just a little.... it's sad really

i should get to bed now...

2009-09-29T06:56:00.000-07:00

i love love love this song!!! haha

Timmy came. and he got me shades from River island. i love them!!! :D

we just had our pizza and I'm drinking my HARVEY'S BRISTOL CREAM now. it's damn nice i tell you. heh.. I'm asking for trouble cuz i have work tomorrow.. haha!!!!

okay.. we're cutting my cake after Aunler finishes her dinner. so I'll check in tomorrow or something.

Guna just called me to wish me.. Thanks Guna :)

The memory still hurts but I'm putting it behind me. Cuz I'm over you. and you mean nothing to me anymore. i don't hate you. nor do i dislike you. to me, your just someone i once knew. Goodbye my ex best friend. have a good life.

SO, much love to all of you! thank you all so much for everything.

LOVES!

Happy Birthday to Me

2009-09-29T05:04:00.000-07:00

Well, it's official. I'm 20.
I still don't feel great about it. my teen years are gone. there are so many should have would have and could haves. but It's all over now.

Today has been a pretty great day so far. This morning Donna and Tom plated a cake and an apple truffle with gummies for me. and they totally surprised me with it. It was so sweet. then Tannade gave me one of the bread and butter puddings he made and that was nice. then after i set Oscars lunch, Auntie and Chef Ganesh and Chef Prakash and Trisha and Melvin gave me a small tiramisu cake with a small candle. Seriously, i never expected all this.
What meant the most to me was, Chef Ganesh was being nice to me today.... he was actually talking nicely and trying to be nice...
it meant so much to me.

I was so prepared to go to work and have a horrible day and come home to a small party that we usually have every year. then go to sleep at ten feeling crappy.

i received more birthday msgs this year than any other year and more people recognised that it was my birthday. i cant wait to meet up with Celia and Najib. And Sindhu.
I miss them so much

there's so much more i want to say but i swear if i sat here any longer I'll fall asleep.

The food from KARUS is here. Patti and Tata bought. and we're ordering pizza. then we'll have the cake...

I wanna get a pair of shoes.. they come in so many bright and neon colours... but they didn't have my size :( Either Hot pink or Bright green... oh well....

Timmy's not here yet. i dunno if he's coming....

I'm so tired!!!

xxx

Photos will be up next time.... if there are any photos

2009-09-23T06:38:00.000-07:00

let me drown myself in this grief

In the night, i hear them talk............

2009-09-23T05:56:00.000-07:00

I need a fix.

It's been too long. And well frankly, I've been miserable.

Life has been Work and sleep and food. And i hate it. Don't get me wrong. I'm loving the work part cuz i think I'm getting into it and Ganesh is not around. but he's coming back soon... and i know that it's gonna go back to being suckish. but i hope I'll be okay.. Today, i broke a mixer. and it felt so fucked up cuz i know that i fixed it in right cuz i made sure i did. and yet the whole thing broke. It's a $4000 mixer. YES $4000. three zeros.

It really got my mood all upside down. i was so hyper till it happened.. but thankfully Eman was there to pick my spirits up. he's a sweet guy. A lot like Mark. Same same a lot of things...:P First he lied to me about today being his last day. i got so damn sad la... then he jumped out of a corner and scared the shit out of me.. then we took the train home together and i got to know him a lot more... really same same like Mark aneh. character wise...

i passed Yishun today. tried my best ho hold back. and i succeeded. till i got home. i still cant get over it. so, I'm sorry. to you. And if i were someone else, I'd feel sorry for me. pathetic i know. but so what?

This guy from work has told me twice that I'm one of the most beautiful Singapore Indian girls he's ever seen. i don't really know how to take that kind of thing so i just said thank you and smiled. both times...

I started at 6 this morning.. it's pretty fun to start at that time but kinda hectic because i didn't had to shuffle between waffles and baker items... but it was okay. i survived.

i LOVE this version. :D i could repeat it a zillion times and i wouldn't be tired of it. And i love the picture in the video.

Kay, I'm off to have some ice cream and talk to mark aneh now... i haven't spoken to him in 3 days or more..i lost count.

much love!

Tasha

xxxx

2009-09-21T07:05:00.000-07:00

so i couldn't watch the movie... but i watched this.

The outcome was embarrassing. but understandable i guess.

i don't want to remember. but i cant help it.

what do you do when you loose your best friend in the whole world? what do you do when you fall in love with your best friend then get your heart broken?

every thing's going wrong.
and i cant hold it in for much longer...

i don't know what to do

It's like forgetting the words to your favourite song

2009-09-21T04:24:00.000-07:00

Black Label Of Destiny

hello world.
it's 740pm now on a Monday evening. I was off work today. And it's been a lazy day. i slept, ate, watched TV, slept again, ate again, watched TV again, had a shower, and now I'm here. soon I'll be having dinner and then it's bed time.

How boring can my life get?

I met with Celia last night.. It's been so long since i last saw her. and she looks Great now. She had her birthday dinner with family last night. and it reminded me that mines coming soon too.
a sad reminder. I'm tired of planning my own party with all my friends. this year, I'm doing out with 4. and we're gonna chill. just like any other night. who cares if no one remembers? who cares if there aren't big balloons and gifts? who cares if we don't take photos and have a fun going around showing off my loved ones and all they'd do to make me happy? Who cares??
only because there is no one who cares enough to make me smile anymore.
but who cares.

i don't.

i want to get a black dress.. a few. but I've got to wait till allowance gets in. and only after i pay my bills and put money away for the Bike.

i want to feel nice on my birthday. i want to try to not hate it.
i want to forget what last year was.
i don't want to- want to feel that special.
i don't want to remember you.

mummy's realized that i haven't smiled in a while. she asked me today why I've been looking to down. i said i don't know trying my best to raise my cheeks... she noticed. she was looking for photo frames earlier. all stored in oxes in my room. i had no idea they were even there.all the old photographs of us when we were kids.. Ezra, Esther and Elissa... with the three of us. we used to be so close.. and now, we're complete strangers....

it's amazing how people change isn't it?
I'm so fascinated by it.
reminiscing and realising how much has changed. and how fast everything has evolved.

I'm unexcited about turning 20. i always though I'd love this feeling. but i absolutely hate it.

I'm starting to think i need to grow up faster.. I've slowed down over the years because of being with a younger guy and having friends who are all younger than i am. and now, i feel like I've wasted my life. I'm never gonna be 18 again. I'm never gonna be 19 again. it's gone. all i have are memories. and crappy ones at that.

I'm thinking i need to live my own life. have nothing and no one holding me back. but i cant break his heart. and i don't know how to live without him. i would like to be with an older guy who knows what he wants in life and can take care of me like Maniraj would have.. but I'll never be able to go back there... i miss him. but i cant go back.

i want to watch PS i love you.

maybe I'll cry... i don't know... but i hope i can sleep after wards.
i always feel sleepy after i cry.

xxx

2009-09-15T21:38:00.000-07:00

Its yet another day and half the day has gone by. I had to take a cab to work today.. woke up at 520. FUCK. yes.

So then i got here super early and i reached the kitchen at like 630. did my usual then went to look for Donna and Joan. Found them in the staff canteen so we sat and chatted for a while the Donna and i went to smoke.

You know... there is no day that can go by without me feeling like shit about myself at some point. Every single day i fuck something up and it sucks. Chef Prakash has been so kind to me these past few days.. If it were Chef Ganesh, i think I'd be bawling my eyes out right now. Seriously. I'm disappointing myself and i hate it.

A few days ago i said that it's not that I'm unhappy.. but now, I'm UNHAPPY.
And the best part is, there is no one i can talk to about it. No one will truly understand anymore... so why bother, right? Right.

Moving on, i still look like a fat cow and i still feel like crap about myself. so whoopee! :)

xxx
Tasha

2009-09-13T21:09:00.000-07:00

Is there really a way to buy love?

Then there'd be a way to sell it too , right?

-- excuse me, do you know where i can find a store that sells love? I'd like to get some....

It's not that I'm unhappy with where i am now. I'm just dissatisfied. It's not what i want for myself. I never wanted to be here. i never wanted, This.

shoulda-Woulda-Coulda
[but didn't]

makes me wonder where i belong. who's going to be proud of me now? who do i have to look to now? How am i going to feel wanted again?

When he's here, we're bored. when he's not, i could be happy but I'm not.

space out. again.

sigh.

Bitter heart.

2009-09-13T06:32:00.000-07:00

Do you ever think about me? Do you even remember me? Do you ever wonder how i am? Do i even cross your mind? Do you ever reminisce? Do you even remember? Do you think? Do you wonder how we ended up here? Do you even remember Us? can you believe how we fell this far apart? Can you believe that you ever wanted me? do you remember hating me? remember how much you loved me? Do you know? Did you ever realise that you were the only one who knew how to keep me alive?did you know how much you meant to me?

i know i was never the best. so now I'm happy for you. and i dream about you. and i hate it. because i think about you the whole day afterwards. your in my mind when I'm awake and when i sleep. will you please just leave me alone?

if i could take back some things i did, i would. if i could take back those words i said, i would. but now, I'll be happy for you.

recently, i haven't been good enough. at anything. and to me, i look like crap. I'm putting on so much weight even though I'm not eating at all. i drink and i smoke but i hardly eat. yet I'm still so fucking fat. Mark said I'm starting to look like a pregnant woman who doesn't give a shit about her body. but I'm not pregnant. and i do care about my body. i don't have time to exercise... that's the problem. and I'm getting more forgetful. it's seriously messing with my mind man. it's getting to me and i hate it. but i don't know what to do about it. things are moving too fast but how the hell do i slow down?? when its the same thing everyday and there is no break. no time for me to breath. no time to even close my eyes for a moment. so relax.. everything sis so rush rush. the hours go by like minutes. and the days pass just as quickly.

I'm getting to 20 really soon. and its a day I'm dreading. Like Celia said, I'd hate my birthday because of what happened last year. it was F1. and the last night. and it was special. and i never thought then that I'd feel this way now.

but it's over and done with. I don't think he'd even remember. so what the hell. i should just go out on my own and have a couple of drinks till i forget.... and i will forget.

xxx

goodnight.

Double Blank

2009-09-07T21:31:00.000-07:00

It makes me kinda sick every time i look at your picture with him. I'm happy for you but--

well, to think that it's cuz of me... and there was a thing. the four of us.
it's sad. just completely sad.
Pardon me for feeling this way. i still love you.

These past few days have been pretty cool. club after club and resting at home...
Double O is pretty cool. i never imagined a club would be that nice. haha!!

MLTR were awesome too. especially cuz i got to go with Timmy and Mum.

Spent the past two days at home nursing the Major hang over from the night before. while watching movies and pigging out. it was fun.

you know what i just realised??

SEX, the thing that's been ruling the relationship and love part of my life for oh so long, IS TOTALLY over rated.
It means nothing anymore. and when it's supposed to be romantic,
It's not.

there is nothing there anymore. i guess i used up all the passion i had in me for some useless piece of junk.

oh well, who needs love anyway.
the end is nearing. and I'm going off soon.

speaking of which, I've gotta go now. Breaks over!

Much love
Tasha

Let the hourglass pass right into ashes

2009-09-01T08:22:00.000-07:00

* and - were best friends.They sat together till late just talking. they fell in love. but it couldn't last long. they tried many times. it just didn't work out. but they remained best friends. even though * had a boyfriend, she risked her relationship to remain friends with - she said to her boyfriend that if he couldn't get over the fact that - was her friend he'd have to go and he did a few times but he always came back. and - was always there for *hthen the last try at a relationship came for *and -. But it just couldn't work out. But this time it was different. this time, there was someone else. and - moved on quick.

* was devastated.
* was sad
* was angry.
* felt like she was going crazy.
* felt like crying every time she thought about -

but that's the was it goes.

*So, it's been a while.

*how have you been?
*Good?
*Great.
*i missed you.
-really?
-sweet.

(silence)

-look, whatever you want from me, you can't have, it's not yours to take and i belong to someone else now. so back off OK?
-she's so much better than you ever were.
-you were never there and she always is.
-you cant even compare to her.
-she's way prettier and she's better at everything then you can ever be.

(silence)

-she's the one.

(silence)

-.......i think i love her......

* looks at - , sheds a tear and goes home.

Sometimes * feels like hurting herself to take the pain away but she knows it's stupid.

oh well, -----------------

being single is nice right??
but i miss being loved. i miss having someone hold me. i miss being in love.

work is practically my life now. no time for anything else. I'm going to bed now. I'm pretty banged up. haha!! you know i know. oh we all know.
Tasha's a drinker.
Tasha's a smoker.
Tasha's a complete bitch.

Oh Fuck You.
nobody gives a damn.

k smoking time. then sleepeeee time.

byeeee

2009-08-26T21:16:00.000-07:00

i feel so totally fucked up. Today I'm supposed to be improving at what i do. I'm supposed to be on the ball. but i dropped the whole freaking bread basket right in front of my chef. I feel so fucking fucked up man. damn it.

meeting with Donna later. i hope she can make it. I've got 15 mins more. shall go smoke now.

this bridge, i'll burn - to the death.

2009-08-19T06:55:00.000-07:00

"You're not my favourite mistake, you're just a simple regret. I thought I knew who you were, but watch how fast and watch how well; I forget."

Work was god today. Chef Ganesh came to work even though it was his off day. he changed it to tomorrow. Ma'am is coming to visit us soon and i haven't filled up my log book since the first week of work. SCREWED much.

hehe i know this is damn school girl but i really cant get over how hot he is. haha!!

it's still bugging me but I'm forcing it out of my system. it hurts bad. but what can i do? what can i say?
All i can do is smile. so i shall. and i will be fine. because you don't care so why should i?
i told you didn't i? that your life will get so much better once I'm out of it. so it shall be. Because i can't help but care about you.
unlike you, i keep my word. and i gave my word that I'd always be here for you. and you'll always be my best friend. you might not be a best friend anymore. but you were. and you were everything to me. so move on if you will. and leave me here. alone. as usual. I'm left alone. i should be used to it by now. i miss you every day. every god damn day i think about you.
it's hard for the tears to fall. but sometimes they do. and i have to hide it. there's no one anymore. no one who'd understand and be there for me. so I'll just leave it. and be happy for you.
:D
I'm happy for you.

2009-08-17T03:57:00.000-07:00

I'm bored... WE're bored. Seriously man. Thinking about what to type i stonned for about 5 mins.. Haha!! thinking of you? AH FUCK.

I'm off tomorrow. AND i'm drinking tonight!! :D YIPPIE

Using the com at work is nice.. but there's nothing much to do.

Oh oh! let me vent about my day.

Ok so i was happy that finally i'll have company working with Ganesh during morning shift. and Seriously i was so perpared for everything. Then that fucking guy keep scolding me for nothing a. like what the fuck man. Already i've got so much on my mind then now you wanna give me more stress for fuck?

wah i was seriously so fucking pissed off today man. dunno what the hell i did to him for him to hate me so much. but what can i do? just take all the bullshit like i usually do. I'm just happy that i have a job. so i'll deal with it.

i cant wait to get my next tattoo!!! :D

kay we're leaving soon so i'll go now :)

Much love!

2009-08-16T06:24:00.000-07:00